Miserablism

2002-08-03T20:31:00.000-04:00

Well. It's been awhile hasn't it eh? Just busy. With events in my life. All related to Gap somewhat. Working at Gap has taught quite a lot about the retail industry. You know, when I go back to Malaysia I will continue on with working in the retail industry. Not doing crappy sales rep job but more on a upper management level like those ppl who decide what trends they wanna market, what material to use, what kind of promotion needed and all that. I think that's great.

I met interesting ppl while working at Gap. I met this girl who is the sweetest thing in the world-despite being overly emotional sometimes especially while under the influence of alcohol. But this sweet blonde thing has become like one of my cool ppl to hang out with. AND her boyfriend is equally hot. Oh he is just hot. There were times when I just wanted to get into his pants and there were times when my radar was pinging HARD. But after hanging out with them several times, I came to the conclusion that I am not an evil person and that they truly love each other. I rather have them as friends than to cause trouble.

Anyway, remember Gap boy? Well, lately we had really big sexual tension between us. But this boy treats me like a yo-yo. There will be times when I get the feeling that he wants me and he is inviting me into his boy sex realm. But then when I do go into it, he pushes me away. Granted he will be busy with his college work and stuff but seriously just tell me what you want from me. Anyway last night was the final night we can see each other before I leave here. Again it just didn't happen. I was hoping we could go out for dinner but he was busy with his Tap class and than he had to packed his stuff and he had a morning flight this catch today. So what are the chances of him going "hey wanna hang out?". Zilch. I was a lil upset about it but I got over it. I have other important things on my mind now.

Two more days before flying "home". I will miss Miami. I will definitely miss the life here. What lies ahead of me. I dunno but I hope it's for my own good. I'm scared.

2002-07-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know, it's been a long time since I last blogged but you know, I dun think anyone is reading this haha. So it's not like I have an audience wanting to know what is going on next in my life.

Nothing much to say for now really. I got my ticket to go home. I shipped all my stuff last week. Just waiting for the time to go home while in the meantime working at Gap. I get paid this week-wohoo!-and I must buy some clothes before I go especially if I get HUGE discounts at Gap. Oh I must tell them I'm leaving.

Anyway, I just wanna experience hot boy on boy sex before I leave. Can anyone help me with that?

2002-07-16T20:17:00.000-04:00

Hola. Sorry for the delay in blogging-do I have an audience? Let me know! E-mail me!! :)

South Beach was great. Mainly because I got to let my hair down and have some fun. And I had a really good eye candy to ogle at. Yes, my friend's bf. He is so hot. Thank God I brought my camera and took pictures hehehe. If only he makes a move on me.....is it wrong for me to think about getting it on with him even though he is with my friend. I have a feeling about him but then that could be my wishful thinking. Sigh. I think he is so hot. Please make him mine. Or at least find a boy like him to give me. Non-asian please. :)

Working at Gap has been good. I just gotta find the right time to tell them I'm leaving. Hmmmmm.

Off to eat chicken. I want to eat boys. :)

Yes, I'm horny as hell. I want to get some action before I leave the States dammit.

2002-07-13T23:08:00.000-04:00

Well. I got paid yesterday. And it's quite enough for me at the moment. I am so happy with joy. :) AND I'm going out to South Beach tonight. Woohoo. The first time in several months me going out to South Beach and clubbing haha. It's one of my friend's 21'st b'day and she wants to celebrate it with a bang. :) I met her while working at the Gap, she and I were hired at the same time. She's here in Miami for the summer to be with her boyfriend (who is SUPER hot) who is working for UM for the summer or something. Anyway, it looks like she is going to quit the Gap soon which is ironic cause I will have to do that too hahahahaha. First I found out she lives on campus like me-illegally though not with boyfriend cause I'm staying with good friends but then nobody wants me :( - and now this. It's really amazing. And funny. I hope we'll have fun tonight. I got paid for the first time in about five months and now clubbing. :) Great.

As for Gap Boy? Hmmmm. We'll see.

2002-07-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

Pointless. Whatever. Fuming mad. Yes, I WAS in a bad mood last night. Reason? Gap boy. I went to see him, knock on the door and I swear he was in. No answer. I felt like a huge lemon. LEMON. I wasted my time for this shit. Granted it was 11:30pm but hell college students don't sleep early do they? Shiiiit. I was angry and I was ready to beat the crap out of anything. So I instead visit my friend Alex on another floor and hung out with him and his mother who is here to visit him. Anyway, I dun see the point in pursuing this idiot Gap boy. He's not even cute at all anyway, I'm just doing it because I just wanna have some fun and it seems he was interested in me. Now, oh well. Who gives a flying shit. I'm meant to be single for the rest of my lives. Sigh.

Today is work at Gap. I want money dammit. And that's another issue that is irritating me at the moment. That and father. When I go back to Malaysia. All hell will break lose with my father and mother. They will feel my wrath. Too much to go to into details but let's just say by me going home to Malaysia for the first time in five years is to set a lot of things straight with my family. I just about had enough of their shit and I will so let them know how I feel about them. This time face to face. I am so ready for it. Once I have everything settle, I might even disown them. Maybe not but I will most likely care less about them.

Whatever. I hate boys. Especially that idiot who does not bother to answer the door. Bitch.

2002-07-09T14:26:00.000-04:00

Whatever. Last night went to see Gap boy again. Didn't stay long as he wanted to go shower and he had to study for his test tomorrow (today). At this point I don't see anything will happen between us. I don't even know if we're both on the same page. Fuck it. Will I go see him again? I dunno. I might do it tomorrow but I dun wanna look too desperate or suspicious. Man, what the hell.

Last night also found out that an ex Hurricane football player got arrested because he shat on some girl's laudry basket. Two months ago. I thought it could have been a desperate attempt by the girl for money but then this morning my friend (who knows the football players well) said that he is a lil bit loose in the head. Hmmmm. And apparently another ex player got arrested for DUI. Thank God my boy Matt Walters is not like that. I hope.
Oh God, gotta work tonight at the Gap. As much as I think I'm good at it, I don't really care much for it. It's not something you wanna do for the rest of your lives.

2002-07-08T00:14:00.000-04:00

Work was usual yesterday at the Gap. I think my manager like me as she said that I do a great job in sales. I was at first sent to the fitting room-to fold clothes after ppl had tried them on (ewe!!!!) but she came in and wanted me to work at sales cause I'm good at it hahaha. I love doing it anyway, I just don't like folding clothes and putting them back in their position and my shifts usually lasts till the very end of the night. Urgh.

Nothing happened when I went to see Gap boy again. We were talking and getting to know each other but then he had a phonecall and he had to take it because it was something to do about him living off campus with his friends and they wanna discuss something (that's what I was told). Anyway, will I go visit him again? Sure hell I would. I dun get this sort of chance in Malaysia man. Damn conservative freaks! Anyway, I had to wait two days after the visit-dun wanna look too desperate haha. But tomorrow, I sure as hell would go baby! So...to be continue hahaha.

2002-07-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

Ha! I did it. Went to see Gap boy. Lalalalalala. We got along well. And I will see him again tonight. :) Action baby!!! :) Well, the reason why I did it was because he seem to be interested in me when he met me in Gap and plus we knew each other before then. So......we will see what happens.....:) Why does it have to happen NOW? WHY?

2002-07-05T02:53:00.000-04:00

Happy Fourth of July! Yeah well, I was 3 hours late but hey, it's the thought that counts. I wanna be an American!! I love this country so much!!! :)

Do not go see Men In Black II. Worst piece of shit ever. Nice special effects but the plot and everything was so weak. Bloody nonsense and not a lot to be desired. Thank God I didn't pay to see it but I advise you-AVOID IT. Only good thing about it was Michael Jackson's cameo appearance and he does look like an alien. Anyway, me and my friends did sneak in to see "Mr. Deeds" and that was a good movie. Enjoyable and funny. Probably after watching a crappy movie, this one looks like it was a fabulous film. :)

Off to bed. Tired as hell. Did a lot today and met a lot of ppl. Must go to the boy I met at Gap room soon. Must. Do. It. Now. My only chance. :)

2002-07-02T19:43:00.000-04:00

Why does it have to rain here in Miami. Every freaking day? Jesus. Anyway, it's day two staying on campus with my friends. :) Man, since I'm shipping most of my stuff back to Malaysia, that means it be months before I'll get my stuff which will be mostly cds, clothes, books and my beloved computer. I dunno how I will survivie without my computer. Granted it's a cheap Pentium II 300 mhz pc and old one at that, I still love it as it was my first ever computer where I did my first ever stuff on it. Dirty stuff hahaha. Anyway, my hometown in Malaysia AKA hicksville USA better have a cybercafe. Or I'll kill my mother hahaha.

Got my haircut. Just had to. I was going to postpone it till tomorrow but the heavy rain stopped so I was like "Do it. NOW!". Now I am so happy about my new haircut. It's short, skinhead like. Lovely! No more mullet for me!

I'm tempted to go to the sixth floor of my dorm to say hi to this boy I met while I was working at the Gap. He was a friend of my friend and I met him briefly last year during my friend's film shoot for one of his class. I think this guy is a theater major or something. So I am assuming he is "happy" hahaha. Plus he has that whole thing going on, my poor radar seem to detect something "happy" about him. He's not flaming though which is a good thing hahaha. But yeah, he is sort of cute and I think I wanna have some fun before I go home hahaha. ;p Will I do it? We'll see......listen, I gotta do it as when I go home, my supply of white boys oggling will be very scarce. Argh. Something I am not looking forward to.

2002-06-30T02:24:00.000-04:00

Interesting day. Today was my first day of work at Gap. Basically it was orientation. 8 hours worth orientation of Gap. Funnily enough, some of the things that was taught I already know from college-my customer service class in Industrial Engineering. This Industrial Engineering degree of mine is all about flexibility. Customer service and retail has always been an interest of mine. So it's a good thing I am doing this job. Too bad I'm quitting end of July to go home haha. Too bad my pay is lowest among my other co-workers who was just hired. I wonder why but I'm not too happy about it haha. But I have the discounts to count for it. 30% off everything for Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic. Wonderful! And 50% off everything in Gap. Fabulous darlings. The people there are wonderful-so far-and there are one or two hot boys there haha. Maybe a lil bit too young for me but hey. I'm also slowly beginning to like this girl who will be working with me tomorrow. She is really cute. And she has a daughter. Shocking but true. I wonder if the father was a UM football player. Hmmmm.

My friends came over to use my kitchen to cook dinner. We had salmon. And also a bit of lasagna. Wonderful. We bonded. We discuss. We had fun. Great way to end my last day and night at this place of mine which I only managed to stay for one month haha. I really love this cosy place of mine but unfortunately due to financial reasons, I can't stay here any longer hence the whole going back to Malaysia thing. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. I keep telling myself that.

Well, now I'm all packed up-mostly-and ready to move in with my friends in the dorm. I'm gonna be staying with them for a month before I fly back. I got so many things to settle. I got to settle my shipping. Some shipping agent is suppose to contact me to get my stuff but boy, I'm not even done packing in that sense yet. But it will all be solve. I know myself. :)

Another adventure. Another journey. :) Oh, I called up my mother again and we sort of laid down some ground rules on how the both of us should communicate with each other without at each other throats. I told her, respect me and let me do whatever the hell I choose. She seemed okay with that. But we'll see. Life is full of drama.

2002-06-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

So, I'm moving back to Malaysia next NEXT month (August 1st), looking forward to the food more than anything else and seeing what has changed over the years. I can't wait to go back to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysian metro city, full of debrauchy and trendiness in the region haha. Since I'm a city boy, I gotta live in the city. I'm also looking forward to going to Borneo, my birthplace and where my family is right now. Gotta see what has changed in that small ole town. It's basically equavilent to hicksville USA here. I already told my mother I will not live or die there.

Now, living with mother is not something I am looking forward to. I love her to pieces but there is just so much you can take of her. Trust me, I lived with her for the most part of my life. I already told her that when I come back, we need to set up some ground rules. She complains that I'm rude but in my defense this is the only way I can get to do things my way. Hell, I'm 25 and I don't give a shit who you are. I will do whatever I please. I am sooooooo looking forward to live with my mother. *Sarcasm*

2002-06-28T01:15:00.000-04:00

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

2002-06-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

So it looks like it's gap orientation for me this Saturday. Woohoo. Guess how much I'm getting paid. $6 bucks an hour. Freaking $6 bucks. Jesus. My previous job-on campus-paid more than that. Oh well. At least I will be getting some money. And I will be doing something different for a change. Despite that, I'm still going home lalalalalala. :)

Surfing through UM Athletics website and viola! A new interview with my boy Matt Walters. Interesting interview, it looks like he is very serious this season to get in real good shape and to be the best defensive line. *Sigh*, I love a man with ambition. I just love Matt Walters period. And it looks like he has football in his blood when he was young. And his favorite football film is "The Program" which I watched on HBO two months ago and which I thought was rather entertaining. Not bad. I still like "Any Given Sunday" though as that was more football and less melodrama haha. Sigh, I will really miss Matt when I leave here. Love you baby. :)

2002-06-25T00:29:00.000-04:00

Well. It looks like I got the Gap job. My ex boss on campus told me that she got a call from the Gap people and they were basically asking her about me. And my friend said that she got a message from Gap to have me call them tomorrow. I don't have an answering machine you see and plus my cellphone got disconnected cause I couldn't pay the bills hehe. So I might just go work for the Gap. Woohoo! How exciting. Four years of college majoring in engineering and this is what it leads up to. But anyway, I will do it regardless, I need some money and I need to do something haha. Too bad I made up my mind to leave Miami end of next month. But the Gap do not need to know that right? :)

Anyway, I had a thought today and I was thinking maybe I should stay here just a lil bit longer since now I have some sort of income coming in. I asked my friends for advice and they gave me a reality check. This job is seasonal, meaning I could work from either 15 to 40 hours a week. I could be paid $7 an hour. I still will not be making enough to pay for my bills and rent. And most likely I need a second job to get some extra money. Unless I have a real engineering job OR I have a substantial amount of money to survive on for a few months, going home to your "motherland" and relax and chill with your family and friend (after a period of FIVE years) is the best thing to do.

Last night I watched a really cheesy movie on HBO, "Turburlence 3: heavy Metal", my lord it was the most funniest shit ever. Cheesy lines and cheesy acting. It basically tells a story of a heavy metal group (complete with a Marilyn Manson rip-off) performing their final concert on a 747 plane. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Like that is feasible. Anyway the plane gets hijacked by some loonies and the lead singer AKA Marilyn Manson has to save the plane from crashing into a church in Kansas (eerily scary). I shouldn't be laughing at terrorists and planes as I will be flying next month but you gotta admit this is far-fetched and silly.

Also saw "To Die For" with Nicole Kidman. I saw the film before but have to see it again since it was on HBO. I just simply love Nicole Kidman. She is beautiful and I will marry her if I can haha.

2002-06-24T00:04:00.000-04:00

80's flashback. Downloading lots of 80's song. Sheena Easton in particularly. She done lots of great 80's song but never achieved high diva status. She's like the poor man version of Kylie. Still she has some good songs. "101" is pure brilliance.

Do you do you do you do you? Do you do it for love. If only today's pop tarts will sing brilliant lines like these.

Was browsing UM Hurricane football page. We had a great season last year but all of our good players had gone to the NFL. Now, we are stuck with lots of freshmen. I hope we do good this season so we won't be branded flash in the pan, even though we won the National Championship like 5 times haha. Plus it's one of my admired players last season with the Hurricanes. I'm talking about Defensive Matt Walters. Not only he is a consistent and important player, he is one hell of a hunk! The first time I saw him in person, I was like "OMG. I want him NOW!!", the fact that not only is he a good athlete, he is also an engineering major and is very smart. What more could you want? I never knew him personally but from what I read and seen in interviews, he seem like a very nice and sweet person. Anyway, I think he seen me around but too bad I never had the guts to say anything, he is after all a big person hahaha. Nevertheless, I will be a fan of him till whenever. I love you Matt. Too bad I'm not attending grad school this fall cause otherwise I will be attending all the home games (like I did last season) and shouting for my boy Matt. To make it worse, I will be at the other end of the world. Oh well, there's the internet and ESPN. :) Did I tell you that I love you Matt Walters? :) How I wish I could hang out with him before I leave Miami. Or be great friends. Oh well.

2002-06-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

It's movies weekend. Saw Labyrinth, that 80's film with David Bowie and a very young Jennifer Connelly. The film brings back memories for me as I watched it when I was young, not knowing what the hell was going on and not being able to understand the plot and stuff but I still watched it because it was a Jim Henson film. To me in those days, anything Jim Henson is a good thing. Yes, I was a huge Muppets fan. I'm still am by the way. But back to the film, it's decent. David Bowie totally vamps it up with his fright wig and make-up. He looks more like a 70's glam rock star than a Goblin King. And the music, oh the cheesy music score for the film. I actually have the soundtrack on cassette believe it or not. The only good thing about the music is when David Bowie is singing it. Other than that, cheesy 80's synth score. Blame it on Miami Vice. The plot? What plot? Hahaha.

Lilo and Stich. Love it. Cute, very cute. Not too preachy, not too cutesy. But still a good animated movie so far this year. Now, I didn't really enjoy the experience 100%, mainly because parents decided to bring their little kids to the movie. Yes, this is a movie for kids but if you have to bring your kids, please tell them to shut up for the entire movie. Any kids under 5 should be ban from the movie theater. These kids do not know anything about a movie. Infact they don't give a shit. Kids below five can't sit still for more than 5 minutes. It's a fact and you know it. Trust me, I was one of them. I was a huge pain to my parents when they wanted to see movies. How they solve the problem? They never took me to another theater anymore until I was like 6 or 7.

My e-mail: miserablism1@yahoo.com, I love getting e-mails hehe. I'm still trying to see if I can add my e-mail link on this page and also some links to other blogs. Not sure if this template will do it. Gotta see what I can do.

2002-06-21T23:29:00.000-04:00

Pulp Fiction. Finally saw it after years of hype from friends. Hmmm. It's good. It's offbeat. But I don't know if it is worth the attention it got. I like the idea that all the stories are somehow connected together but for some reason this movie didn't really do it that well. I do like Christopher Walken short lil scene. The most hilarious scene ever.

Minority Report. This is one of Spielberg best movie to date. The special effects are just completely awesome. This is how A.I. should have been. Completely. There are definitely Kubrikian moments in the film. The action is just great. The plot is interesting and I love the twists. Tom is at his usual best. How he acts in every other film, he acts the same here. Not that it's a bad thing. But he is eye candy to look at hahaha. This film is a must. Recommended

2002-06-20T17:33:00.000-04:00

Well, my mind is made up. After being unemployed for almost 6 months and having to see your savings depreciate right before your very eyes, I've decided to move back to Malaysia. After 5 years here in Miami which I consider as "home". But now I'm going to another "home". It's a huge financial burden for me to keep living here without any income coming in. And since I can't get a job that pays well, forget it then. Yeah sure, I could be a server at the local Cheesecake Factory (wonderful food!) and work at the Gap at the same time. But why go through all this trouble to just earn barely enough to pay for rent and bills and at the end ending up without savings. Is that worth it?

So yeah, it is time to go home to your "motherland"!! I'm actually pretty excited, seeing my family, friends, seeing what has changed over the years and eating the good food. I must gain some extra pounds since I lost most of it after I graduated-the effects of being poor and unemployed. Parents know about it and are making plans as we speak.

The more I talk about going back to Malaysia, the more I feel that this the best solution for me now. At hard times like these, you need family. And who says I can't come back here to the States? You never know what you can say about the future. Hell, I might just go to Australia or Europe.

Will I miss Miami? Yes I will definitely. I've many experiences here. Bad, good, funny and so on. It's not my favorite city in the world nor I don't hate anything much about it but it's where I went to college (Go 'Canes!) and learn a lot about life and myself. I'm grateful. I definitely will miss my friends but since most of my friends are either gone or will leave, it's time to move on with my life.

"You have a home here" - Pet Shop Boys, "Home".

Big up to Terry. Thanks for helping me out. Hope you are satisfied with the asian delight!

2002-06-19T18:23:00.000-04:00

Okay. Where do I begin? Other than the fact that I'm an unemployed college graduate (6 months and counting!), you guys dunno much about me. Hmm. Let give you the short 411 on me. Male. 20 something. Sexually open to any gender-at this point in my life. Asian. Originally from Malaysia but been living in Miami for about 5 years. So there you go. Any other questions, you know my e-mail. :)

This whole year has been some sort of a bumpy ride. Financially. Mentally. But mostly financially. Especially at this point. I wouldn't say it is a horrible year but it is also not that really pleasant. There were some highlights I have to say but overall it has been a struggle. I'm at this point in my life where I am ready for a change. Just give me a clear road to follow. I'm pretty sick of having to plan things and see them fall through. My plans to get a job earlier during the year has gone to hell. My plans to do my MBA or Masters in IE has also been shot to hell. Honestly, I don't know why I am doing here in Miami. Look for a job? Yeah but for how long can I look without having some income to survive by?

Anyway, I just had an interview with Gap and I'll know by next week if they want me or not. By then, if I don't have anything concrete in terms of jobs and I'm so financially strapped-just move in to a new place this month and haven't pay the landlady my rent and stuff!-I'm just gonna have to pack my bags and go home. I worry about the other things here later. It's been awhile since I went home. 5 bloody years. I'm sure everything has changed by then. Hell, I never even got a chance to see the tallest building in the world in it's full glory. So I guess I need to go home, get some rest and reorganize my life and see what I should do next in the comfort of my "home" and families and friends.

Everything happens for a reason. I assume. Wish I know what my bloody reason is now.

2002-06-19T18:12:00.000-04:00

Like a virgin. Well, this is my first post. Right now I am just messing around with things, trying to make this page look "presentable". But basically this is a blog of my rantings about life and other issues around it. Muchos thanks to D, all the way from Wisconsin who introduced me to the world of blogging.

So hang on and they'll be more rantings and musings from me later on *groan*. :)